I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
