Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
