Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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