I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
