she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
