My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
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I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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