we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
