guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
