What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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