Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am available for nakedness
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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