he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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