Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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