My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
