I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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