I think I died a long time ago.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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