I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
