On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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