u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
