I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
