You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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