Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
