Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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