I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
