oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
