the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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