i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
