woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
