I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
