The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just want nice things and good sex
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
