How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
