If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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