A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
