I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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