I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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