I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
this must be what syphilis tastes like
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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