Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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