im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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