Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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