Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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