He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
