I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
