I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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