I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
