I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
