You're so nebulous sometimes
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
