You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
