his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
