so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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