It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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