I will die if light touches me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
