I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Randomize
