fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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