The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
