Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize