I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
