sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she told me i tasted like america
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
