just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
